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Still struggling to sleep. I think a big part is being unable to mentally wind down after everything that's happened.

With everything, it's really made me re-evaluate so much of my past. Realising that she's had milder episodes in the past, from the time I was five uptill I was in my last teens, but I always assumed that was just what  people were like when they were drunk, which she was during those cases. But it was the same thing, telling me I was rotton to the core, just like her mother and others that had abused her, that I was manipulative, etc.

She's also always been paranoid too, I just never put it down as paranoid. But things like saying my dad had a darkness about him. I just accepted it because she was my mum and I idolised her. I bought into her reality.

What's really unsettling me is a big incident that happened when I was five, when the episodes started. She (and I at the time) believed there to be a whole conspiracy surrounding her within the religion we were part of at the time,  people following us, trying to get us to leave, testing us. I was only five so of course I believed her, and bought into her reality (I'm assuming).

So much of that time I've blocked out because of the stress of that, and my mums drinking.

Now I wonder if it ever really happened.

As I've got older, I have got on the fence about it more and more. But was reluctant to say it didn't happen, because either way the reality of the situation wasn't a pleasant one. Either there was a conspiracy, and so called religious people treated us this way, or there was never any conspiracy, it was a paranoid delusion my mum created, but either no one notice from the time I was five till fourteen, or they did notice and no one did anything, leaving me basically in the care of a mentally unstable woman as a very young child.

I've avoided it, but I think it's time I maned up (or womaned up, rather) and seek out her old friend at the time, that she believed was involved. I know if there was a conspiracy chances are she may not tell me the truth, but I think just to get a different reality from someone elses point of view, at the worst I'm still confused about what happened, at the best....I don't even know. But I really feel it's the thing to do.

I've got an appointment with my doctor (well not my doctor a temp who's taking her place, but want to see me, obviously made aware of the situation), so I might also ask If I can see someone to talk over the issues that this has brought up. For example, on top of all this, I know that I myself can be paranoid. I tend to use logic to work my way through it, but it's still always there. I'm worried that I may end up just like her ( and I was already worried about that before it turned out she might not be well mentally).

It weird, on the one hand, her having a mental break it obviously not good, but I can't help but see the good that has potentially come out of it, if only for the clarity it may give me or events in my life that have alway confused and unsettled me, so I guess that's something.


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Mar. 9th, 2012 04:26 am (UTC)
I wish I could do more to help you. It's good that you can open up and maybe cleanse a bit by writing about it.

I'm no expert, but about the paranoid thing, my money would be on it being more environmental for you.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )