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Oct. 11th, 2012

Its my birthday, did I spend it eating cake and doing all the things i love, nope.

I spent it with my mum while she decided she wanted me to take her to A and E, because she thought her foot was broken after tripping over the cat (that wasnt there, she was at my dads, but thats delusions for you), then decided she wanted her carer actually, no wait, my dad to take her.

Spent the rest of it at hospital only for it to turn out to just be bruised. in between I got told by her i needed to be on antidepressents, as I'm stressed out all the time (I wonder why?) and my dad got told that she was much more sympathetic when I was a child. What can I say, 24 year of emotionally and mentally taking care of her since I was 4 (4!) has taken it told on my and I'm emotionally exhausted, not to mention physically exhausted chasing after all her stories to find out if there true, to find out if the doctor really said he'd misdiagnosed her (he didn't) or her care manager threatened to take down all her railing if she didn't tidy the place up ( also didn't).

I just feel like I'm at the end of my tether, due to my AS I can barely take care of myself let alone mum, I'm not equiped, I dont have the empathy skills to understand emotionally what she's going through, so I end up feeling like a selfish sociopath when I get frustrated with her and her confusion. Logically I can understand if I was in her situation I wouldn't feel very happy.

It just it was my birthday, and I don't think she even was aware.

As a aside, vending machines in a hospital really should say "have a nice day", given the 3 most likely users are either patients, relatives of patients, or those who work there, all of which probably wont "have a nice day"!
My dad found an injured bird, decided to take him to the vet in his car. To make him comfy he found an empty box to put it in.

The box ? An empty cat food box!! The psychologic trauma he must have put the poor bird through!
I just got awarded volunteer of the month at the Cafe that I work at!!
Completely shocked, I only went in to put my name down for a couple of shifts and the chef came out and gave me the certificate and showed me a copy that he'd put up on the wall!!
So what's new,

Well my mums out of hospital, on tablets and doing much better. She has someone come round helping her, which helps me. I've got a job working in a cafe and surprisingly I'm quite good at it. I thought with all the stress and social anxiety I would be having meltdowns left right and centre, but so far I've risen to the challenge.

As for why posted, my computers hard drive died, so I was using my old really really slow computer, and then that hard drive died! Luckily my dad knows a bloke who put my dads hard drive in my computer and a new hard drive into his. It's a little bit slower that it was due to something to do with the processer, but still it's running well!

In other news been to see Joss Whedons Avengers (yes it's important that I put Joss Whedon's Avengers, not just Avengers!) twice now, once in real 3d and the other in IMAX 3D. IMAX was better visually, but the audience was clearly people seeing it because it was the thing to do, as apposed to the crowd in my home town who just complete got it, laughed in all the right places and were silent all the way through, where as in the IMAX one, the couple behind me flt the need to give a running commentry ALL the way through!

Hoping to possibly see it a third time, going to try and see if it's one of the films our cinema is doing with subtitles so my mum can go.
Still struggling to sleep. I think a big part is being unable to mentally wind down after everything that's happened.

With everything, it's really made me re-evaluate so much of my past. Realising that she's had milder episodes in the past, from the time I was five uptill I was in my last teens, but I always assumed that was just what  people were like when they were drunk, which she was during those cases. But it was the same thing, telling me I was rotton to the core, just like her mother and others that had abused her, that I was manipulative, etc.

She's also always been paranoid too, I just never put it down as paranoid. But things like saying my dad had a darkness about him. I just accepted it because she was my mum and I idolised her. I bought into her reality.

What's really unsettling me is a big incident that happened when I was five, when the episodes started. She (and I at the time) believed there to be a whole conspiracy surrounding her within the religion we were part of at the time,  people following us, trying to get us to leave, testing us. I was only five so of course I believed her, and bought into her reality (I'm assuming).

So much of that time I've blocked out because of the stress of that, and my mums drinking.

Now I wonder if it ever really happened.

As I've got older, I have got on the fence about it more and more. But was reluctant to say it didn't happen, because either way the reality of the situation wasn't a pleasant one. Either there was a conspiracy, and so called religious people treated us this way, or there was never any conspiracy, it was a paranoid delusion my mum created, but either no one notice from the time I was five till fourteen, or they did notice and no one did anything, leaving me basically in the care of a mentally unstable woman as a very young child.

I've avoided it, but I think it's time I maned up (or womaned up, rather) and seek out her old friend at the time, that she believed was involved. I know if there was a conspiracy chances are she may not tell me the truth, but I think just to get a different reality from someone elses point of view, at the worst I'm still confused about what happened, at the best....I don't even know. But I really feel it's the thing to do.

I've got an appointment with my doctor (well not my doctor a temp who's taking her place, but want to see me, obviously made aware of the situation), so I might also ask If I can see someone to talk over the issues that this has brought up. For example, on top of all this, I know that I myself can be paranoid. I tend to use logic to work my way through it, but it's still always there. I'm worried that I may end up just like her ( and I was already worried about that before it turned out she might not be well mentally).

It weird, on the one hand, her having a mental break it obviously not good, but I can't help but see the good that has potentially come out of it, if only for the clarity it may give me or events in my life that have alway confused and unsettled me, so I guess that's something.
Spent most of yesterday at the hospital with mum.

She started thinking I was an imposter earlier in the day and that my dad was trying to rape me, my dad called round all the psychiatric units but they again said there was nothing they could do unless she was threatening to hurt herself or me.

Eventually one said to call the police, so they showed up and took us to hospital in an ambulance. It was so embarassing having all our neighbours staring. Not to mention I didn't have time to get dressed so I was in pjs and a dressing gown with a coat covering me all day.

They finally committed her at about midnight. As no one was looking after her, I had to stay with her so didn't get anything to eat until I got home about 1 in the morning.

I felt really guilty about how relieved I felt, not having to deal with her. It felt weird for the first time in two weeks not having to block the front door and feel all anxious not knowing what she would do.

I couldn't sleep I was so hyper, finally got off about 6 this morning.

I'm having a horrible time of it at the moment.

My mum appears to be suffering from some kind of mental break she's spent the last two weeks thinking someone was at the door trying to set it on fire, hearing voices and last night was taking away to people that weren't there.

I've hardly had a good night sleep since it started and have taken to barracading the door to prevent her from walking off in the middle of the night. I can't leave the house, not and leave her alone, and since she hates my dad I can't leave her with him, so he's having to do all the shopping. But I can't get out to get my checks (some of which I have to get reissued now) or pay the phone bill. I'm agorophobic, but this may cure it!

The doctor says there's nothing he can do till the psychiatric people evaluate her sometime this week (he said that last friday) so in the mean time I'm left alone with her, terrified of what's going to happen next, and feeling really let down by her doctors.

I mean how is it okay that I'm left to look after her all on my own, it can't be good for her, and if I have to keep giving up sleep and going through the stress of all this IM going to ask them to commit ME just to get a break!

Anyway sorry just wanted to get that out.

I miss going to my maths class, (I had to miss it today).

I just feel really depressed about it all and am wondering now over my life at how many other episodes, milder though they may have been, that she may have had that I didn't notice.

She sleeping now, but my stomach is literally clenched  and I'm shaking over what she'll be like when she wakes up.

At what age did you stop believing in Santa?

It's kinda hard to still believe in Father Christmas when you wake up to see him creep in to your room in the middle of the night and his beard falls off, revealing your fathers face underneath!

To be fair though, I didn't tell my parents for a couple of years! I figured if I did I'd get less Xmas presents (instead of presents from mum and dad, and Father Christmas I'd only get presents from my mum and dad) Obviously smart, but not smart enough to work out thats so not how it works!

Merry Xmas, Happy holidays, and all the other holiday wishes that are shared with it.

Oct. 21st, 2011

Finally got my birthday presents, albeit a bit late, Got Caprica and The vampire diaries dvd's so I just have to find the remote to my dvd player now!

They made a little mistake on the second season dvd discription of The Vampire Diaries they said that Katherine had been released from the tomb!

Went to the Doctor Who experience in London today, it was amazing and I had had a great time. It really brought home to me how much I love Doctor Who, as much as I've been a bit disappointed with season 5 and 6, it really only because Steven Moffet has such great ideas, and such poor follow through. But it's really got me more enthusiastic about it, and I'm gonna finally watch the second part of season six, which I wasn't going to do.

Finally just want to give a belated thanks to weird_fin and
noybusiness for remembering my birthday, sorry I didn't comment at the time, but thanks anyway.
Finally got my computer back so I should be able to post my holiday pics soon.

Health isn't to good at the moment, my kidneys are down to functioning at 12 percent, so it's looking like I'll have to be on dialysis soon, probably sometime before the years out.

Looks like I'll be getting Caprica for my birthday, which means I'll be able to cross one show off my list, I'm meant to be watching Babylon 5 next but I've just started getting into Farscape, so that will have to go on the back burner.

Anyway, good to be back I'll post more at a later date, and hopefully get back in the speed of posting, It's difficult becaust my interst in Doctor Who has died down since Moffett took over and the haven't really been that many shows that have given my much thinky thoughts. Still I will make an effort.